Bringing Up Baby

Parenting - not an easy job. Naturally, the priority is to make sure your kids have a better life than you did. “Better” though, has been defined differently over the generations.

When I was growing up, many parents had lived through the depression, or at the very least, been affected by it. They strove for their kids to struggle less and have greater opportunities. They believed their kids could achieve that through education, strength of character and a sense of responsibility towards self and others.

Unfortunately, many of us who grew up with these goals were also “victims” of no-nonsense parenting techniques we now consider cruel and ineffective. Spanking, guilting, and emotional restraint were repressive. By throwing these things out, we thought we could grow happier and emotionally healthier kids.

Out of that came what I call “feel-good” parenting. The goal then was for kids to experience the least amount of negativity possible, and to be their friend. Listen to them, reason with them, praise them. Let them know they’ve got a right to their emotions. Make sure they feel like number one in your world. 

So how’d that work out for us?  With all those positive feelings, you’d think we’d have a rosier, kinder and gentler “Whoville” kind of world. But I don’t see that we’re any happier. In fact, I’d say we’re more insecure than ever. No, not on the outside. We’ve got attitude. Confidence to say and do what they feel. But happier? I doubt it.

I think things went wrong when some parents took things to the extreme.  

“Listen to them” turned into accept and approve of everything they say. And worse, give up your responsibility to make the child listen to you.   

“Reason with them” turned into a farce when tried out on 2 year olds, and an even bigger one when kids learned how easily it was to manipulate their parents through "reasonable" words back.

“Praise them” became nothing short of ridiculous, even in schools. Kids know when they haven’t done their best. And when they get praised indiscriminately, all they learn is that eveything they do must have equal - and therefore possibly little - value.

And, that “right to your anger” turned into some pretty ugly, irresponsible ways of expressing it.

How great would it be to combine the old and new-fashioned parenting techniques for something that really works - Parenting Through Love and Limits? I know it’s nothing new - just not as common. Most well-adjusted, happy people come from just that. Their parents were parents first, friends after. Their lives weren’t free of hurt and challenges, but they'd been given the gift of learning how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.  They learned that they’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. Respect. Love. Character. Wow, what concepts. Come on world, let’s start a new trend. 

How were you raised? How did you raise your children? What advice would you give toward more successful parenting, and hence, truly successful kids?


Photo by Lou and Magoo at Flickr.com