ALMOST PARADISE

The simple life in Costa Rica. Watching the jewel-blue Pacific roll onto Turtle Beach and wash through its natural caves. A thousand shades of green carpet the rainforest ridge around us. Emerald parrots, rainbow-colored macaws, scampering monkeys - they all still thrill me. Ah, but there are glitches...

ANTS IN THE MOZZARELLA
There I was, stirring the pot of curds, oh-so-proud of myself for actually making something "homegrown". An ant caught my eye, balancing tenuously off the shelf above the stove, threatening to drop in. Another came racing behind. Then another. I dared to look up. The entire wall was covered with a disgusting swarm, crawling in a massive, organized mass. Stay calm, I told myself. Army ants are natural house cleaners. Just step back and let them go. Ten minutes later I had a clean house. Don't even ask about the mozzarella.

V.L.I.'s, or VERY LARGE INSECTS
Here in so-called paradise, you really do get used to living with insects. I actually even enjoy them now. They're amazing - exquisite in color, intricacy, and camouflage. The morpho butterfly flashes a luminous neon blue with each graceful loft of its wings - as if it has its own light. The stick bug is so cool - easily mistaken for a tiny branch. Others, however, terrify. "Pica-caballo" spiders are so named for their ability to take down a horse with a single bite. Thankfully, they - like scorpions and snakes - are rare visitors. Besides, I can run faster.

GEKKO POOP
You know those cute little gekkos you see in the car insurance ads? Well, they are pretty adorable. Except for the fact that they party all night and poop all over. So what if they have a cute little trill and are fun to watch chasing each other around the walls looking for love? By morning, your house is dotted with tiny little turds. Every day. It ain't easy.

OF DUST AND MEN
There are two seasons in this paradise - Dust and Deluge. Both are really quite beautiful, though they take getting used to. Our second "car" is a 4-wheel ATV. In the dry season you get to eat everybody's dust, and in the rainy season, you get pelted. Whatever the season, though, it's dang hot. What the hell was I thinking? I moved to a tropical just in time for menopause and hot flashes. Well, duh!

A SIMPLER LIFE? HA!
Remember that simpler life I mentioned? Well, for the most part it's true. But basic things like plumbing? The ancient Romans had it all over this so-called modern culture. And electricity? We swear there's an evil little man pulling the lever for all these blackouts. Banking and shopping? Three times is the charm for getting anything accomplished. Patience. I'm definitely cultivating patience.

ASI ES LA VIDA
Such is the life in paradise. Not perfect, but it's still "Home Sweet Home" to me.