The Best and Worst of the Girl Friend Thing

Best girlfriends - nothing rivals that bond. It’s strong and loving and powerful. And no surprise here, it’s even healthy for you.

With a best girlfriend, everything’s up front and on the table. Nothing is hidden.  You get to trade insecurities, fears, information, joys, and secrets with complete and unabandoned truthfulness. Trust is never a question, vulnerability not a blip on the radar. Always, you have each other’s back. 

And then there’s the joyful part. I don’t care how old you are - laughing with a girlfriend is the best and most freeing experience ever. One minute you’re giggling like little girls, and the next you can be as deliciously outrageous and bawdy as teens. Totally soul-filling.

Sadly, though, we’re also known to for relationships akin to walking through mine fields.  For as much as we have this incredible capacity to love so fully, we also have the potential for unmatched hatefulness.

As a kid, many of my own “friendships”  were mired in petty squabbles and sometimes, downright cruelty. Even then I never understood it. What was behind the need for all the hurtfulness and backstabbing? Envy? Insecurity? Jealousy? Defensiveness? Probably all of the above. It wasn’t long before I learned to seek out and nurture those few friendships I expected to be true.

It makes me wonder. Are all girls wired with this way?  Is there some innate, primal need  to compete with each other?  Recently I witnessed a situation in which fully grown women engaged in ridiculously vicious behavior toward one another.  It totally threw me. We’re beyond 50 years old, for God’s sake!  What a sad waste of time and emotions. 

I also wonder if it’s even worse for today’s young girls. Online social networks are increasingly used as weapons in girl-to-girl psychological warfare. There’s also apparently a trend toward greater physical aggression on girls’ parts, too. Okay, so we have the capacity to eat each other alive. But why would we want to?

Girl Power. We’re thinkers, feelers, nurturers, doers. We live at a time and place in which most of us can create whatever world we choose. So why wouldn’t we choose to enrich our lives by weaving colorful, deep tapestries of friendship? That one will always be a mystery to me.

What are your friendships like? What’s the best of the best of them?  Sure hope you’ll share.

Photo by Gwen's GwennyPics at Flickr.com

Bringing Up Baby

Parenting - not an easy job. Naturally, the priority is to make sure your kids have a better life than you did. “Better” though, has been defined differently over the generations.

When I was growing up, many parents had lived through the depression, or at the very least, been affected by it. They strove for their kids to struggle less and have greater opportunities. They believed their kids could achieve that through education, strength of character and a sense of responsibility towards self and others.

Unfortunately, many of us who grew up with these goals were also “victims” of no-nonsense parenting techniques we now consider cruel and ineffective. Spanking, guilting, and emotional restraint were repressive. By throwing these things out, we thought we could grow happier and emotionally healthier kids.

Out of that came what I call “feel-good” parenting. The goal then was for kids to experience the least amount of negativity possible, and to be their friend. Listen to them, reason with them, praise them. Let them know they’ve got a right to their emotions. Make sure they feel like number one in your world. 

So how’d that work out for us?  With all those positive feelings, you’d think we’d have a rosier, kinder and gentler “Whoville” kind of world. But I don’t see that we’re any happier. In fact, I’d say we’re more insecure than ever. No, not on the outside. We’ve got attitude. Confidence to say and do what they feel. But happier? I doubt it.

I think things went wrong when some parents took things to the extreme.  

“Listen to them” turned into accept and approve of everything they say. And worse, give up your responsibility to make the child listen to you.   

“Reason with them” turned into a farce when tried out on 2 year olds, and an even bigger one when kids learned how easily it was to manipulate their parents through "reasonable" words back.

“Praise them” became nothing short of ridiculous, even in schools. Kids know when they haven’t done their best. And when they get praised indiscriminately, all they learn is that eveything they do must have equal - and therefore possibly little - value.

And, that “right to your anger” turned into some pretty ugly, irresponsible ways of expressing it.

How great would it be to combine the old and new-fashioned parenting techniques for something that really works - Parenting Through Love and Limits? I know it’s nothing new - just not as common. Most well-adjusted, happy people come from just that. Their parents were parents first, friends after. Their lives weren’t free of hurt and challenges, but they'd been given the gift of learning how to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on.  They learned that they’re not perfect, and neither is anyone else. Respect. Love. Character. Wow, what concepts. Come on world, let’s start a new trend. 

How were you raised? How did you raise your children? What advice would you give toward more successful parenting, and hence, truly successful kids?


Photo by Lou and Magoo at Flickr.com

Honey, I'm Hooome!

One of my favorite books to read to the kids when I was a teacher was Eric Carle’s “A House For Hermit Crab”. Hermit Crab loves to get nestled into a nice new shell of a home, but as soon as he does, he undergoes another growth spurt that forces him out. Disrupted again, he laments at having to move on to find a new one. In the end of course, he realizes that it hasn't been so bad at all - with each new venture he's gained many new friends. And just as importantly, he learns that he's  happy anywhere as long as he’s got them and a comfy home that suits him.

I can relate to Hermit Crab. I sat down this morning to figure out how many times I’ve moved in my life and all told, I came up with 18. Eighteen different apartments and houses to live in throughout adolescence, college, career, and marriages. I can see every one of them in my mind’s eye, and look back fondly at each one. They, and the memories that went along with them, have served me well.

For as much as moving is a pain, it's always represented new beginnings to me. I love walking into different places - trying them on to find just the right one with the just-right feel. And ironically, though a bit of a nomad, I’m also a nester. I get right in there, determined to make it cozy and comfy no matter how long I’ll get to enjoy it for. And when it’s outgrown like Hermit Crab’s,  I feel no need to hold on. Just pick up and go - looking for the next just-right shell. Eventually I find it, and begin nesting anew. New ventures, new friends, new beginnings and a home. A real home.

What does home mean to you? Is it a place to hang your hat, or is it more than that? 

And how many times have you moved? Have you been a nomad, or have you settled into your just-right home for the better part of your life?