The Best and Worst of the Girl Friend Thing

Best girlfriends - nothing rivals that bond. It’s strong and loving and powerful. And no surprise here, it’s even healthy for you.

With a best girlfriend, everything’s up front and on the table. Nothing is hidden.  You get to trade insecurities, fears, information, joys, and secrets with complete and unabandoned truthfulness. Trust is never a question, vulnerability not a blip on the radar. Always, you have each other’s back. 

And then there’s the joyful part. I don’t care how old you are - laughing with a girlfriend is the best and most freeing experience ever. One minute you’re giggling like little girls, and the next you can be as deliciously outrageous and bawdy as teens. Totally soul-filling.

Sadly, though, we’re also known to for relationships akin to walking through mine fields.  For as much as we have this incredible capacity to love so fully, we also have the potential for unmatched hatefulness.

As a kid, many of my own “friendships”  were mired in petty squabbles and sometimes, downright cruelty. Even then I never understood it. What was behind the need for all the hurtfulness and backstabbing? Envy? Insecurity? Jealousy? Defensiveness? Probably all of the above. It wasn’t long before I learned to seek out and nurture those few friendships I expected to be true.

It makes me wonder. Are all girls wired with this way?  Is there some innate, primal need  to compete with each other?  Recently I witnessed a situation in which fully grown women engaged in ridiculously vicious behavior toward one another.  It totally threw me. We’re beyond 50 years old, for God’s sake!  What a sad waste of time and emotions. 

I also wonder if it’s even worse for today’s young girls. Online social networks are increasingly used as weapons in girl-to-girl psychological warfare. There’s also apparently a trend toward greater physical aggression on girls’ parts, too. Okay, so we have the capacity to eat each other alive. But why would we want to?

Girl Power. We’re thinkers, feelers, nurturers, doers. We live at a time and place in which most of us can create whatever world we choose. So why wouldn’t we choose to enrich our lives by weaving colorful, deep tapestries of friendship? That one will always be a mystery to me.

What are your friendships like? What’s the best of the best of them?  Sure hope you’ll share.

Photo by Gwen's GwennyPics at Flickr.com

You Say Potato, I Say...

Have you ever noticed there are some things in life you simply either are or you aren't? Like whether you’re a morning person or night owl; a hit-the- pillow and you’re out cold person or tosser and turner? For most everyday things we all fall along a continuum somewhere - there’s always room for latitude. But take a look at the list of Either/Ors here. Which are you?

Late Night or Morning Person?
Hot or Cold?
Mountains or Sea?
Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
Alone Time or Hate It?
Shopper or Not?
Exerciser or Resister?
Beauty Savvy or Not?

Naturally, the double-edged sword comes in when you’re at odds with your partner. On one hand, you could both just take a “viva la difference!” attitude. Or realize that being polar opposites on anything is a definite pain.

For Jeff and I, the Hot and Cold issue has come front and center. I love living 8 degrees from the equator. Living barefoot and in shorts all the time is great - I don’t miss the bitter icy cold for a second. Jeff, on the other hand, is now desperate for some relief. Attracted by the deep sea sport fishing, he thought he’d get used to it. But his body still hasn’t acclimated after three years. So now what do we do?

Look to the mountains, that’s what we do. I’m good with that - as long as ice and snow aren’t involved. We might actually be able to find just the thing close to here. I wouldn't mind cuddling up by the fireplace. Actually, being able to cuddle anywhere would be a very cool thing. And, I can always put on more clothes.

I've had my paradise, now it’s time he gets his. Which leads me to another to add to the list...
Compromiser or Not?
If you’re in a relationship, I'm thinking that's one thing you've got to agree on.

Have you ever come to an Either/Or loggerhead with anyone? How'd you work it out?

Sisters

It's National Sisters Week - today is Sisters Day - who knew?

I usually ignore these so-called "special" celebrations. In the back of my mind I picture groups of greeting card company execs wringing their greedy little hands in ecstasy over the godsend. Okay, so I'm a little jaded...

Still and all, it does make think of my own sisters. I have two - nine and thirteen years older. Had we been closer in age, would we have fought over clothes and boyfriends? Or would we have been tight - a thick-as-thieves tour de force? That one I'll never know.

As a kid, they called me "little Patty". More than likely I represented little more than a pain in the butt to them. My parents made them take care of me, babysit me, watch what they said around me. I remember one of them even having to resort to bribery to keep me upstairs while she and her boyfriend had privacy downstairs. It worked - I still remember that fluffy white stuffed cat. Clever.

As a teenager, it was a different story. They, and my sisters-in-law too, were my salvation. I got to hang out with them at their houses, often babysitting for them. I learned a lot - about relationships, raising kids, being a woman. They were my role models and confidantes, though I wonder if they knew it. They gave me the freedom to grow, away from the naturally protective eyes of my parents. What a blessing.

And now? They're definitely my friends. With the age differences melted away, we see each other for who we really are. Though very different, we "get" each other. No, it's more than that. We respect each other's strengths. Accept each other. Simply love each other. It's strange - we've never had a real fight over all these years. Even when we disagree, we find a way to let each other know without being hurtful. No need to be. We hear each other.

So today, in honor of my sisters and sisters-in-laws, I raise my glass. Cheers, girls. You done good.

Do you have sisters? Tell us about them and your relationship. And if not biological, who are your sisters in spirit?

KEEPING IT REAL

What are the ingredients in a rich, solid, marriage?

As part of my research, I'm reading a book called, "Marry Him - the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," by Lori Gottlieb. Essentially, the author posits that the reason many over-40 women haven't married is that they're so intent on finding their perfect man ~ the operative word being perfect. She says women are being far too picky on things that may not even really matter in the long run of a good healthy bond.

So what does make a marriage thrive? Close your eyes and list your top 5 attributes. When you met your mate, did he fit the exact bill of what you were looking for? Were there any qualities you compromised on, or even overlooked? In the end, did those things end up mattering?

When Jeff asked me to dance, I'd only been separated four months. I was out with a group of friends, and not at all in the "single woman seeking life partner" mode. As he took my hand, I warned him of my lack of coordination. I can dance alone, but can't follow someone's lead for anything.

"Don't worry - I'll take good care of you," he said.

He did, and at the break we went outside on a bench. We talked about everything - family, friends, travel, the difference between young and old souls, and mostly, where we were in life.

"You've got a great soul," I said. "I get the sense you've always been a friend."

Still, I didn't feel any real expectations for the relationship, let alone a marriage. I just felt full, completely comfortable with this person. he was warm, funny, cute and real. But would we be together if I'd been in my "single woman" mode, running down my must-have checklist and scrutinizing his every move? And if so, would he have dismissed me right then?

Too tall, too short, too eager, too sports-minded...what do those really have to do with a great marriage? Not a whole heck of alot. But that's not to say there aren't important ingredients to make marriage a success.

My advice to single women would be this: KEEP IT REAL.

1. Get some perspective of what the every day experience of marriage is really like. What
is typical, normal, realistic?

2. Keep your list of expectations real and short. Prioritize. What will really matter in the
long run?

3. Be willing to compromise, but not compromise your self. It's one thing having
expectations be too high, it's another to have them too low. Again, keep it real.

So, what have you learned about what matters in your marriage? Here's the chance to gather some of our wisdom to give real "inside info" to marriage-ready women. What's yours?

GIRLS, GIRLS & MATTERS OF THE HEART

There's a story brewing in me -one I dream of turning into a book someday. Here I am, a woman who (oh, so gratefully!) found true love the second time around. But what was it that made me "settle" in my first marriage? What attitudes did I have about myself and my relationships with men that led to committing a lifetime to someone so entirely wrong for me? And, am I the only one?

Seeing through the magically wise lens of time and distance, I can see where I went wrong. And then I look at the girls of today and wonder. Will they have more awareness and insight when choosing their husbands?

Young women seem to be so savvy, confident, empowered. And yet, disturbing trends show how easily some are giving themselves up to be loved. Like providing sexual favors and of course, getting little in return (think: way younger, way intimate). You also hear more about sexual and emotional abuse in dating. And just this week I heard about a new thing. Boys are calling their (supposed) girlfriends, "my body" - as in, "She's my BODY." Excuse me? And then young teen girls are getting plastic surgery to be more "perfect". This is progress?

Granted, I could have this all wrong. My nieces visited this past 2 weeks (hence the spotty delivery of blogs - so sorry)! It was a perfect opportunity to get to know how 20-something's feel about love and relationships. Were they willing to compromise themselves to be loved?

Not a chance. Mind you, these are two bright, worldly, gorgeous girls who work in TV production in L.A. and have lived in New York City. Their experiences are a lot different than mine ever were - and possibly even those of their peers. But that's the idea.

So, are relationships between young women and men different now than when you were there? I'd really like to explore the concept, and welcome your wisdom on the subject. With the girls, I started out by asking them to complete the following sentences:

When I was a teen, I thought boys were...
Now in my 20's, I think men are...

How would YOU have answered those questions then? And just for fun, let's add one more for you to weigh in on:
Now, later in life, I think men...


There'll be more questions and more answers to come. If you have daughters, granddaughters, or nieces, ask them to join in, too. This could get interesting!