You Say Potato, I Say...

Have you ever noticed there are some things in life you simply either are or you aren't? Like whether you’re a morning person or night owl; a hit-the- pillow and you’re out cold person or tosser and turner? For most everyday things we all fall along a continuum somewhere - there’s always room for latitude. But take a look at the list of Either/Ors here. Which are you?

Late Night or Morning Person?
Hot or Cold?
Mountains or Sea?
Glass Half Empty or Half Full?
Alone Time or Hate It?
Shopper or Not?
Exerciser or Resister?
Beauty Savvy or Not?

Naturally, the double-edged sword comes in when you’re at odds with your partner. On one hand, you could both just take a “viva la difference!” attitude. Or realize that being polar opposites on anything is a definite pain.

For Jeff and I, the Hot and Cold issue has come front and center. I love living 8 degrees from the equator. Living barefoot and in shorts all the time is great - I don’t miss the bitter icy cold for a second. Jeff, on the other hand, is now desperate for some relief. Attracted by the deep sea sport fishing, he thought he’d get used to it. But his body still hasn’t acclimated after three years. So now what do we do?

Look to the mountains, that’s what we do. I’m good with that - as long as ice and snow aren’t involved. We might actually be able to find just the thing close to here. I wouldn't mind cuddling up by the fireplace. Actually, being able to cuddle anywhere would be a very cool thing. And, I can always put on more clothes.

I've had my paradise, now it’s time he gets his. Which leads me to another to add to the list...
Compromiser or Not?
If you’re in a relationship, I'm thinking that's one thing you've got to agree on.

Have you ever come to an Either/Or loggerhead with anyone? How'd you work it out?

Sisters

It's National Sisters Week - today is Sisters Day - who knew?

I usually ignore these so-called "special" celebrations. In the back of my mind I picture groups of greeting card company execs wringing their greedy little hands in ecstasy over the godsend. Okay, so I'm a little jaded...

Still and all, it does make think of my own sisters. I have two - nine and thirteen years older. Had we been closer in age, would we have fought over clothes and boyfriends? Or would we have been tight - a thick-as-thieves tour de force? That one I'll never know.

As a kid, they called me "little Patty". More than likely I represented little more than a pain in the butt to them. My parents made them take care of me, babysit me, watch what they said around me. I remember one of them even having to resort to bribery to keep me upstairs while she and her boyfriend had privacy downstairs. It worked - I still remember that fluffy white stuffed cat. Clever.

As a teenager, it was a different story. They, and my sisters-in-law too, were my salvation. I got to hang out with them at their houses, often babysitting for them. I learned a lot - about relationships, raising kids, being a woman. They were my role models and confidantes, though I wonder if they knew it. They gave me the freedom to grow, away from the naturally protective eyes of my parents. What a blessing.

And now? They're definitely my friends. With the age differences melted away, we see each other for who we really are. Though very different, we "get" each other. No, it's more than that. We respect each other's strengths. Accept each other. Simply love each other. It's strange - we've never had a real fight over all these years. Even when we disagree, we find a way to let each other know without being hurtful. No need to be. We hear each other.

So today, in honor of my sisters and sisters-in-laws, I raise my glass. Cheers, girls. You done good.

Do you have sisters? Tell us about them and your relationship. And if not biological, who are your sisters in spirit?

Are You Money Wise?

The root of all evil - what's your take on it?

They say you learn your attitudes toward money from your parents. Well, that sure explains it. My father was a depression-era, work hard and you'll earn a decent living kind of guy. He never took risks, neither in business nor investments. He saved relatively little and basically lived for the day. Pretty interesting for a public accountant with six kids, ha?.

My mother, on the other hand, was the traditional good wife. She never held money in her pocket of her own; never learned how to use a checkbook. My father made all the big money decisions. She was (supposedly) happy to be taken care of.

So where does that put me? I'm my father all the way. I've earned a nice middle, sometimes upper-middle kind of life, but always way too short a distance from getting over my head. I invest little and conservatively, and have no business sense whatsoever.

So what's the deal? When I really get down to it, it's all about fear. Stocks, bonds, investments, business, sales, marketing - they all intimidate the hell out of me. And guess what? I've finally come to the point where that very fact ticks me off.

I know I need to open my mind - loosen up and see the benefits of being money wise. Cultivate a business attitude. I've been dealing in human services for so long - getting a secure paycheck and health coverage - but now I don't have that security anymore. What if I want to start a new career? Make some money for the long future ahead? At this rate, I wouldn't know where to begin. But one thing's for sure - I know it has to start in my head.

And what about you? Are you money wise? Do you have any advice to foster a new attitude? Help!

Out of Character

Does character matter anymore?

Okay, so I guess I've turned into the little old lady lamenting the loss of those perfectly imperfect, downright wholesome, good old days. The days when people actually cared about things like honor, integrity, and respect. But wait. Are they really gone?

Let's say leaders like John Adams, Abe Lincoln, and Eleanor Roosevelt came back to visit. They turn on one of those mesmerizing boxes called a television. That ubiquitous thing that supposedly reflects modern society. What kind of impression would they get about who - or what - we've evolved into?

One good thing about living in a place where nature is a show itself, is that I don't bother watching that box much anymore. But not so long ago, it was my escape. At the end of the day, I loved not having to think. But then I realized it did make me think - about thousands more things - and many, if not most, of those thoughts weren't positive. It was like subjecting myself to an onslaught of neuroticism, ignorance, violence, anger, and downright stupidity. Almost everything had an "edge" to it. I felt overwhelmed. I came to resent feeling so manipulated by the images, content and ads. I wanted out, and I got it.

So then I turned to real life. I looked around at my family, my friends, and the vast majority of people I encounter. They aren't edgy or jaded or ignorant. They all live every day lives with integrity, strength and love. Are there issues? For sure. But not to the extent that TV is anywhere near an accurate depiction of our lives. Not a chance.

I find that most people choose goodness. I wonder if John, Abe and Eleanor would find that too. I bet they would.

Do you? How close does the media generally depict your life and those around you?
And does character matter anymore, or have we chosen to turn away from it?

Councils of Wisdom

I've just heard about a new book called, "The Council of Dads". Its author, Bruce Feiler, was diagnosed with a malignant tumor in his leg. He was faced with the very real possibility that he wouldn't be around to guide his two young daughters through the challenges and mysteries of their lives.

His solution was remarkable - and very simple. What if he gathered a group of male friends and family members to act as lifelong "godparents" for them? And what if he asked each of them to share their own personal pieces of sage advice for the girls? Surely they'd never be alone, and they'd always have male perspectives to turn to and learn from.

What a great concept. I love it. That's generally the idea I had in mind when I started this blog. What if we were our own council of Wise Sparked Women? What if we gathered each other's words of wisdom and shared it with the children in our lives? And then, let's take it one step further. What about doing what Bruce did and organized friends and family to contribute? Or maybe start a "council of moms" like Bruce's young daughters suggested for their own mother?

Happily, Bruce Feiler is in remission and has a clean bill of health now. But it doesn't take our lives being threatened to know the value of passing wisdom on. So let's do it!

In the course of blogs, I'll be honing in on character traits like honesty, humility, pride, etc., and also on life concepts like money, love, death, etc. So please join me and share your wise words. You have so much to offer!

A Rose Colored State of Mind

Okay, I admit that this happiness thing has got me thinking. There are a whole multitude of factors involved. The ability/wherewithal/courage to control your own destiny. To be able to live fully. Honor yourself and your dreams. To be resilient in the face of adversity. And what else?

Your list may be very different from mine. So I asked, what are those factors are for me? Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely not rah-rah happy all the time (or even most of the time). But generally speaking, this life's journey has been pretty full and satisfying.

So that puts me back to resilience and attitude. I've had problems and setbacks. Desperate times when I just wanted to pack it in. But when it finally hits me that something's gotta change, that's when I get resourceful. I know no one's going to make it better but me.
So I stop the pity-party and just do it. Find a better way. And move on ~ with relief and a smile.

Gratitude is also a biggy for me. Even as a child, I wondered how I'd gotten to be so lucky. How come I got have a loving, stable home? Why wasn't I born in Africa, I'd ask, where all those other children suffered so much? I still ask myself those questions. I try to be conscious of my blessings and those of the really magnificently designed world around me. Even when I'm so caught up in myself that they're hard to see.

I'm seeing my pattern here. HOPEFULNESS. Knowing I (and only I), can steer my destiny - or at least go with it when it steers me. Knowing I'll always find a way out somehow. Knowing I've been blessed with some pretty incredible people and experiences. That's happiness. For me.

Again I ask: Are you a happy person? Why? What ingredients play a part in your personal happiness cocktail? And if you aren't, why not?

Are You A Happy Person?

What's the greatest difference between happy people and unhappy people?

As I stood at the sink washing the dishes, I overheard a psychologist on TV answering that question. Through therapy with hundreds of patients, he had come to one conclusion. He said that happy people are those who choose and follow their own paths - especially regarding careers. Unhappy people are those who yielded to someone else thinking they knew what was best for them.

First of all, I'm surprised at his answer. Not that I disagree that it's essential to follow your own dreams and passions. I'm just blown away that this was a common factor in so many of his patients' happiness. Are there still that many people who deny themselves the power to choose their own lives? Especially in this "it's all about me" generation?

I'm no psychologist, but I would have answered the question differently. The few unhappy people I know don't lack a willingness to choose on their own. They lack resilience. At the slightest thing going wrong, or not going their way, they freak out and rage against the unfairness of it all. After all this time - and experience - they still haven't figured out that problems are an inherent part of life's gig.

Get a grip! Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find an alternative plan (which usually works out better anyway). In other words, be a Gumby. That way, whatever choice you make will ultimately make you happy.

There are, of course, many other things that set happy and unhappy people apart. What would you say they are?

Oh Ye of Little Faith

“The things that are most worth doing take a little effort.”

That simple statement came from Abby Sunderland, the California girl attempting to become the youngest person to sail around the world. She’s just been rescued in the Indian Ocean, having lost her mast in heavy seas. Just a minor setback.

Wow. Wise, competent, courageous and more. All at sixteen. Who was I at sixteen? No one near who she is. And at fifty? Sometimes I wonder…

At that age - and truthfully, probably the better part of my life - self doubt's been a pretty constant companion. Any big endeavor was painfully overwhelming. Was I good enough? Smart enough? Talented enough? (Forget about pretty enough - that one always put me under.) And then I’d compare myself to peers - or worse, to the Abby’s of the world for whom it seems there are no bounds. Yikes. It’s amazing I’ve accomplished anything.

But I have. And though sadly it’s taken me a lot longer than Abby to pick up on it, I’ve learned pretty much to ignore those fears. They really do mean nothing as long as you’re willing to get in there, shake things up, and accept that the challenges. Like Abby, who I’m sure isn’t immune to self-doubt either. But at 16, she already knows that anything worth going for is worth the effort and courage to get it done. And she will.

So now, this old lady is going to follow Abby’s inspiration. Get focused on getting this blog puppy up and thriving - technology disorder not withstanding. Nothing in comparison to losing a mast, but hey. We've all got our passions.


SPARK YOUR WISDOM!
What's your take on self-doubt? Has it played any role in your life? Tell us about it. Share your insights!

Ch-ch-ch-Changes...Love 'em or Leave 'em?

I'm convinced that change is like cilantro - you either savor it with gusto, or absolutely hate it. Which are you?

Change is my life blood. I know I need my fix of it when I start feeling unsettled and out-of-balance. That's when I begin to pay attention. Something new is sure to be on the horizon, and it'll be calling my name any minute. It enters my radar screen. Again. And then again. That's it!

The change could be a new place (to visit or to live), a job, or a pastime I'm suddenly compelled to explore. Initially, I feed my curiosity by checking it out closer. It it really something want to learn about? If so, then I get jazzed. A fresh new energy pulses through me and I get into it. Even the ups and downs of the new journey don't scare me. I'm alive and pursuing new goals - that's all that matters.

It's weird - I get this itch for big changes every five years or so. It's like there's this internal clock in me saying Been there, done that. Come on, girl, what's NEXT? Little changes are important to me, too, though. Boredom is my enemy. Mixing it up is always a good thing.

I realize, of course, that not everybody can stand this Goldilocks and the Three Bears Philosophy. Many ~ if not most people ~ don't even want think about trying out new things to see if they fit (especially if only for awhile). There's definitely comfort, security, and contentment in daily routine and continuity. Home, family, job - what more does anyone need? Theirs is more likely a 30+ year plan, not to be messed with. Not that that's a bad thing. I get it. Stability and happiness are certainly important to me too. Only, spiced up a bit - like with a dash of cilantro.

So, what does change mean to you? Does it make you crazy? Does it make you sane?

Be Careful What You Wish For

Not so long ago I sat at my desk every morning, reeling from the myriad list of To-Do's ~ RIGHT NOW! sitting before me. I had a routine. First I'd prioritize them in order, and then I'd optimistically coach myself. Today's the day. You're going to get every one of these accomplished. Check, check, check... I'd imagine.

Then the first polite tap on would come. "You got a minute?" the visitor would ask. Of course I did. I wanted teachers, parents, kids - whomever - to feel they could come to me for any thing at any time. Accessible, fair, making things better - that's what I wanted to stand for. So we'd sit, we'd chat, and inevitably by the end, yet another task would be added to the list.

There'd be at least a dozen or more of those "got a minute?" moments throughout the day - in the halls, while visiting classrooms, prepping for meetings. I was stressed, and sometimes overwhelmed. I prayed for the day to just not have to think anymore.

That glorious day finally came. The first two years were miraculous. Healing, actually. I got to simply listen and watch life going on around me. The birds, the monkeys, the surf. The peace.

Then like a stew slowly bubbling up to a full boil, the old me began to return. Little pangs of boredom taunted me. Oh for God's sake, will you ever be happy? I thought. I tried to push them back down, beat them into submission. But there it was. I'm a thinker, a do-er, an accomplish-er at heart. And damned if I'll ever be able to forget it.

A laid-back life may be nice, I'm learning, but too laid-back can be just as unhealthy. As friends pointed out today, not having enough to keep my mind busy could also be contributing to this brain fog I've got going. I used to hold thousands of details in my head (or at least write them down). Now few demands are placed on it. So between menopause and retire-pause, I guess it's time find a happy medium before I'm truly mush.

How about you? Too stressed? Too relaxed?
Where does your life fall on the continuum right now?
And what is best for YOU?

Brain Fog

OF ALL THE THINGS I'VE EVER LOST, I MISS MY MIND THE MOST!
~Author Unknown

Great quote, isn't it? I used to think so too ~ until it became a reality. I swear, I'm 50 and losing it.

The latest joke around the house when we're looking for something is, "Hey, did ya check the fridge?" Funny, very funny. And when I space out on something I should definitely know, Jeff will say, "It's okay, honey. You're still very, very cute."

I don't want to be cute ~ I want my mind back. I used to juggle all kinds of details and pull them out exactly when I needed to. I was a school principal for God's sake! And now? I'm a flippin' mush-brain.

Last weekend was the clincher. It was our anniversary, and we were meeting friends for dinner at at a restaurant. Just about ready, the phone rang.

"Patricia, did you forget?"

Pause. Huge pause. Oh...My..God! A few days ago this lovely couple had invited us to dinner. I'd completely spaced it out, not even telling Jeff. I was horrified. Thoroughly embarassed. And scared as hell. We went, and thankfully they were still gracious to entertain us. And our other friends? I can only say how grateful I am they know me well enough to forgive, too. Yikes.

So, is this a menopause thing? It's the only one that seems to be really hitting me so far. But if not, what else could it be? I don't even want to go there. For now I'm taking some natural supplement called Huperzine-A that was featured on a morning show. I'll let you know if it works.

But meanwhile, misery loves company. Please, oh, please tell me this is normal!

If I Only Had Nine Lives (or at least a few more)

Who would you have been if you hadn't been you?

Okay, strange question, right? But if I answer that myself, I'd say (and no laughing, please...)

Dancer ~ You know, the backup Dean Martin's GoldDigger kind. Wait, am I the only one who remembers them?

Psychologist ~ How much fun would it be to try to figure someone else out for a change?

Explorer, Traveler ~ Anything to do with National Geographic would have been incredible. It's a big world out there, and I've only gotten small tastes of it. Bummer.

Writer-Turned-Author ~ I would love to have had the right schooling and experience to do the writing thing right. Oh, well. Maybe next time 'round.

Quaint Little Book Store Owner ~ To be able to read all the way through the store, interrupted only by the occasional customer.

Since we're living longer, why couldn't we combine a few lives into one if we want to? I'd love to keep reinventing and recreating myself to get the most of this ride. But then again, by looking at this list, I may need to do some rethinking...

So, who would you want to be?

Life Styles

Okay, I know I’m pinging back and forth between the concepts of what makes a good marriage and what makes a perfect life. So let’s ping back to living a perfect paradise. What is your perfect life scenario?

If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that the answer to that question generally changes for me about every three to five years. I get this itch, this craving to seek out new places and experiences. I never understood people who hate change - for me it’s as essential as breathing. And so far this approach has worked (though yes, I have settled down in one place for long periods - it’s just not my preference.) The toughest part, though, is in the decision making stage that comes before. I am unsettled ~ out of balance.

For Jeff and I three years ago, paradise meant was escaping to a beautiful country, leaving the stress and intensity of careers behind, living simply in a place with low taxes and health care insurance (not to mention the good fishing). You’d think that’d be enough, right? My word, how greedy can we get to want more?

Maybe not more, but different. The good side is that we retired early - at 47 and 54 years old. But that’s the not-so-good part too. We’ve relished being free from the working world to build our home here. But now that we’re settled, what’s next? Is there a paradise where we can be productive, but without the intensity and stress of major careers? And if so, what do we want to do - who do we want to be - as we continue to evolve?

Our second dilemma is that our present paradise isn’t nearly as inexpensive as we thought it would be. Will our nest egg last? Prices for goods and services are close to those States-side. Should we down-size here or somewhere else?

What are you complaining about? I can hear you say. I’d give anything to be in your shoes. I might be saying the same thing. But really, apart from the retirement part, you might be facing some of the same challenges.

Who do you want to be over the course of the next few years?
Do you stress over the insane cost of living where you are?
Is there really any other place you’d rather be? And if so, how would it change things?

That less one is the biggy for us. Does where you do something change anything?
Hmmm….

KEEPING IT REAL

What are the ingredients in a rich, solid, marriage?

As part of my research, I'm reading a book called, "Marry Him - the Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough," by Lori Gottlieb. Essentially, the author posits that the reason many over-40 women haven't married is that they're so intent on finding their perfect man ~ the operative word being perfect. She says women are being far too picky on things that may not even really matter in the long run of a good healthy bond.

So what does make a marriage thrive? Close your eyes and list your top 5 attributes. When you met your mate, did he fit the exact bill of what you were looking for? Were there any qualities you compromised on, or even overlooked? In the end, did those things end up mattering?

When Jeff asked me to dance, I'd only been separated four months. I was out with a group of friends, and not at all in the "single woman seeking life partner" mode. As he took my hand, I warned him of my lack of coordination. I can dance alone, but can't follow someone's lead for anything.

"Don't worry - I'll take good care of you," he said.

He did, and at the break we went outside on a bench. We talked about everything - family, friends, travel, the difference between young and old souls, and mostly, where we were in life.

"You've got a great soul," I said. "I get the sense you've always been a friend."

Still, I didn't feel any real expectations for the relationship, let alone a marriage. I just felt full, completely comfortable with this person. he was warm, funny, cute and real. But would we be together if I'd been in my "single woman" mode, running down my must-have checklist and scrutinizing his every move? And if so, would he have dismissed me right then?

Too tall, too short, too eager, too sports-minded...what do those really have to do with a great marriage? Not a whole heck of alot. But that's not to say there aren't important ingredients to make marriage a success.

My advice to single women would be this: KEEP IT REAL.

1. Get some perspective of what the every day experience of marriage is really like. What
is typical, normal, realistic?

2. Keep your list of expectations real and short. Prioritize. What will really matter in the
long run?

3. Be willing to compromise, but not compromise your self. It's one thing having
expectations be too high, it's another to have them too low. Again, keep it real.

So, what have you learned about what matters in your marriage? Here's the chance to gather some of our wisdom to give real "inside info" to marriage-ready women. What's yours?