GIRLS, GIRLS & MATTERS OF THE HEART

There's a story brewing in me -one I dream of turning into a book someday. Here I am, a woman who (oh, so gratefully!) found true love the second time around. But what was it that made me "settle" in my first marriage? What attitudes did I have about myself and my relationships with men that led to committing a lifetime to someone so entirely wrong for me? And, am I the only one?

Seeing through the magically wise lens of time and distance, I can see where I went wrong. And then I look at the girls of today and wonder. Will they have more awareness and insight when choosing their husbands?

Young women seem to be so savvy, confident, empowered. And yet, disturbing trends show how easily some are giving themselves up to be loved. Like providing sexual favors and of course, getting little in return (think: way younger, way intimate). You also hear more about sexual and emotional abuse in dating. And just this week I heard about a new thing. Boys are calling their (supposed) girlfriends, "my body" - as in, "She's my BODY." Excuse me? And then young teen girls are getting plastic surgery to be more "perfect". This is progress?

Granted, I could have this all wrong. My nieces visited this past 2 weeks (hence the spotty delivery of blogs - so sorry)! It was a perfect opportunity to get to know how 20-something's feel about love and relationships. Were they willing to compromise themselves to be loved?

Not a chance. Mind you, these are two bright, worldly, gorgeous girls who work in TV production in L.A. and have lived in New York City. Their experiences are a lot different than mine ever were - and possibly even those of their peers. But that's the idea.

So, are relationships between young women and men different now than when you were there? I'd really like to explore the concept, and welcome your wisdom on the subject. With the girls, I started out by asking them to complete the following sentences:

When I was a teen, I thought boys were...
Now in my 20's, I think men are...

How would YOU have answered those questions then? And just for fun, let's add one more for you to weigh in on:
Now, later in life, I think men...


There'll be more questions and more answers to come. If you have daughters, granddaughters, or nieces, ask them to join in, too. This could get interesting!

ALMOST PARADISE

The simple life in Costa Rica. Watching the jewel-blue Pacific roll onto Turtle Beach and wash through its natural caves. A thousand shades of green carpet the rainforest ridge around us. Emerald parrots, rainbow-colored macaws, scampering monkeys - they all still thrill me. Ah, but there are glitches...

ANTS IN THE MOZZARELLA
There I was, stirring the pot of curds, oh-so-proud of myself for actually making something "homegrown". An ant caught my eye, balancing tenuously off the shelf above the stove, threatening to drop in. Another came racing behind. Then another. I dared to look up. The entire wall was covered with a disgusting swarm, crawling in a massive, organized mass. Stay calm, I told myself. Army ants are natural house cleaners. Just step back and let them go. Ten minutes later I had a clean house. Don't even ask about the mozzarella.

V.L.I.'s, or VERY LARGE INSECTS
Here in so-called paradise, you really do get used to living with insects. I actually even enjoy them now. They're amazing - exquisite in color, intricacy, and camouflage. The morpho butterfly flashes a luminous neon blue with each graceful loft of its wings - as if it has its own light. The stick bug is so cool - easily mistaken for a tiny branch. Others, however, terrify. "Pica-caballo" spiders are so named for their ability to take down a horse with a single bite. Thankfully, they - like scorpions and snakes - are rare visitors. Besides, I can run faster.

GEKKO POOP
You know those cute little gekkos you see in the car insurance ads? Well, they are pretty adorable. Except for the fact that they party all night and poop all over. So what if they have a cute little trill and are fun to watch chasing each other around the walls looking for love? By morning, your house is dotted with tiny little turds. Every day. It ain't easy.

OF DUST AND MEN
There are two seasons in this paradise - Dust and Deluge. Both are really quite beautiful, though they take getting used to. Our second "car" is a 4-wheel ATV. In the dry season you get to eat everybody's dust, and in the rainy season, you get pelted. Whatever the season, though, it's dang hot. What the hell was I thinking? I moved to a tropical just in time for menopause and hot flashes. Well, duh!

A SIMPLER LIFE? HA!
Remember that simpler life I mentioned? Well, for the most part it's true. But basic things like plumbing? The ancient Romans had it all over this so-called modern culture. And electricity? We swear there's an evil little man pulling the lever for all these blackouts. Banking and shopping? Three times is the charm for getting anything accomplished. Patience. I'm definitely cultivating patience.

ASI ES LA VIDA
Such is the life in paradise. Not perfect, but it's still "Home Sweet Home" to me.

WHAT'S YOUR PARADISE?

Obligations. Stressors. The monotony of daily routines. At some point or another, most of us dream of running away to some place far, far away from it all. A beautiful place. A peaceful place. A place where no one - and no thing - can make demands of us.

Jeff and I did that three years ago. The intensity of our jobs, and the fast-paced life of the States, had finally pushed us to the limit. We were still young, healthy and fueled by our new love. We were blessed with a second chance in life by meeting each other, and planned to savor all it has to offer while we had it.

So, where to? We'd thought of Mexico and Guatemala, but they were too unstable for our tastes. What about Costa Rica, we thought. Why not? It's known as a fantastic retirement destination. A lush paradise, still relatively undeveloped, with a stable government, no military and low taxes. In fact, it's so peaceful that the national saying is "Pura Vida" - Pure Life. Even life spans are longer here.

It all sounds just about perfect, doesn't it? Well, in the next few blogs I'll explore this paradise - from the great to the not-so-great. No, it's not perfect, sorry to say. But it definitely has been a path worth taking for us. Stick with me and I'll tell you all about it.

But first, what would your paradise be like? What are the qualities of life and living that you yearn for? Would you stay right where you are or go someplace else? Tell us all about it. Paint us a picture!

PASSIONS ON THE SIDE

Do you have a passion on the side? No, (and don’t be too let down now) I’m not talking about a lover. I mean some activity that gets you revved up. It fills you like nothing else will. That thing you love to do in your “play time”.

I hate to admit it, but like Winnie the Pooh, oh bear of little brain, I am Trish, oh woman of very little talent. Artistic? Musical? Athletic? Handy? Not a one. Nor can I cook or bake, let alone sew or garden. Essentially, I’ve got nothing.

Well, that’s not exactly true. I had an epiphany this weekend. I’d been in a funk all week and couldn’t figure out why. My energy level had flat-lined. What is wrong with me? I asked. And then it hit. It wasn’t just that certain events beyond the house were bringing me down. It was that the fact that they’d been keeping me away - from my passion. I needed to write. And fast.

Writing has become my passion. It’s been simmering in me forever, though as a haven to express myself, (if only to myself). Like therapy. Now I've got the time to take it further - to nourish it. It doesn't come easy, and I can't call it a talent, but I can call it mine.

So now that I’ve figured that all out, I will not let days go by again without writing my blog, no matter what happens in my life. It’s my “fix” and it works for me. I just didn’t realize how much.

So I ask again, what is your passion? What would leave you empty if taken away?

Life Without Kids

"Do you have any kids?"


A natural question, and one that stumps me every time. I see what? in the inquirers' eyes - pity? disbelief? My knee-jerk reaction is always to ease their angst, to console them. I feel defensive all of a sudden, and I'm not sure why.  No, I'm not infertile (at least to my knowledge!) No, I don't dislike children - just the opposite is true. I was simply married to an older man who'd been there, done that. It just wasn't my path to take. 


Talk about being in the minority, though. Motherhood is something very special - who wouldn't want to be a member of that club? The funny thing is, it never bothered me to be different.  I've been pretty content with the life I've led. It's only that deer-in-the-headlights feeling I get during those few moments of questioning. And it's even worse here in Costa Rica. The latin culture absolutely glorifies motherhood - you are nothing if not a mother. No matter how young you are, nor how poor. It's what makes you a woman. Even our gardener probed about my physical ability to be one. Yikes - talk about getting personal!


Neither Jeff nor I had kids in our "former lives". We laugh, saying that had we met way earlier, we'd probably have had a brood and would never have been able to pack up to come live in our little paradise. We're pretty okay with how that worked out.  No matter what, every road taken has patches both smooth and rough.


Are you a mom? If so, I'd love to know what you think and feel when you encounter someone who isn't. 

And if you don't have kids, what's been your experience with this thing called childlessness?

Musings on Motherhood

When you were a little girl, do you remember dreaming of yourself as a mom? What your kids would look like, be like - what their names would be? 

This morning we called to wish my mother-in-law a Happy Mother’s Day.  She commented on the blog, and how, at 81, she can truly say she’s been able to realize her dreams in this life. One of those dreams, she said, was to have a daughter. Even at five years old, she had a name picked out - Peggy Ann - after "my beautiful mother Margaret".

My little girl was going to be Jennifer. Such a pretty name! I was in my early teens, and didn’t even question my fate as a mother. And if I had boys? Well, they’d be Joshua, Jordan, Kevin, or Keith. (Yes, J's & K's).

My mother-in-law did have a daughter, though not a Peggy Ann. Charlie wanted the baby named after her, his lovely wife. And so Ann Virginia she became - Ginny for short. Three boys later, and no Peggy Ann. Still, she couldn’t have been happier - simply to be Mom.

My destiny was different than I’d imagined back then. Having children wasn’t meant to be, though truth be told, I’ve always been perfectly happy with that. Don’t get me wrong - I love children. But as a young auntie watching her older siblings go through the everyday challenges of life with kids, I could see both its joys and its trials pretty clearly. I ended up having the best of both worlds. 
I got to play with and adore all kids around me - getting their best, and then going away. Selfish? Maybe a little. Still, I wonder if my not having kids had made me a better aunt, teacher, and school principal. I could pour my heart and hugs into them, and I did.  But at the end of the day, I'd put that key in the door and breathe freely, and yes, I guess, a bit self-centeredly.

I absolutely believe that there’s purpose and reason to everything - no matter what paths we choose, or choose us. Would I have been a good mother? I think so - my own mother was a wonderful role model. My sisters are great moms. But since I wasn’t, I’ve been fortunate to pursue my personal dreams, which have taken me down some pretty amazing roads. That was just simply me. 

That said, this is my message to successful mothers everywhere:  I lift my glass to you. You're brave, loving and selfless. Your children are our future ~ our hope. May their paths be as true as yours, whatever they may be. Happy Mother's Day!


I ask again, did you dream of being a mother when you were a child? Did the life you foresaw then come to pass? Tell us about it!

Midlife, Schmidlife!

Now that I’m here, I’ve been wracking my brain trying to come up with a better name for this thing called “midlife”. It's the “mid” part that bothers me most. It's got  a certain connotation of being, well, neither here nor there. Like midstream. Middle of the road. Fair to middling. As if we’re floating nebulously somewhere along some great continuum.

The thing is, I like being here. Sure it’s got its drawbacks (like skin beginning to drip like candle wax and brain fuzz I can only hope to blame on menopause.) But generally speaking, it’s the best place I’ve ever been. If it has to have a label, I want it to describe not only where we are in life, but how. Still chasing dreams and accomplishing goals. Still crazy after all these years. “Mid” anything just doesn’t work for me.

So I broke out the thesaurus. The most positive synonyms for “middle” I could come up with were heart, core, and center. Then I searched “life”, which took me from life spans to states of being. Lord, I tried every combination to get away from this “midlife” thing.

So here’s what I came up with: either CENTERSTAGE or PRIMETIME. Neither are perfect,  but at least they shine a more distinctive and positive focus on who we really are -  successful, spirited selves (even if we don’t always feel that way.) And with a little extra-added wisdom, too.

So what do you think? How are you in this thing called midlife? And do you have a better name for it? Let’s get something going here!

*Sage Spark* OUR ROADS NOT TAKEN ~ YET

You've come this far. You've made the usual decisions along the way about school, career, love, marriage, family, and maybe even retirement. By this time, most of us have "been there, done that." So where does that leave us? Who are we now, and what new paths might we decide to take?

In my mind, I've still got at least another 25-30 years to continue to create myself. And that's good news, because I've been struggling with the question:

Who do you become when you're not someone anymore?

I've almost always had a role - a definition. When people asked I could say, "I'm a teacher", or later, "I'm a principal." But now when they ask, I don't have an answer. Early retirement has definitely had its benefits, but after some time off, I need to get going again. And it's not just about being able to define myself at a cocktail party. I'm one of those nuts who always needs to have goals. I need to keep reaching.

Think about it. We've still got a significant future laid out before us. I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not ready to sail into the sunset yet. There are too many new things to do, places to see, people to know. This blogging venture is my kick off to trying out life as a writer. I feel like a kid - all fumbling and lacking in experience and confidence. But it's my road less traveled right now, and I'm determined to go down it.

At this point in your life, who are you? Would you want to be or do anything else? Do you have new passions to follow, new purposes ahead in the back of your mind?

Tell us about your roads not taken ~ yet.